Defining Intimacy: Exploring Personal Perspectives on Connection and Fulfillment
"You know, as women, we want to be stimulated. So it's like you can't just get on me and get to humping and bouncing up and down on me and think I'm going to be ready." Said Tangie.
"I feel like I'm missing out on intimacy with these different partners, and it feels fake," K stated.
Manni J said, "I don't think people know the difference. I believe that lovemaking is a different level of intimacy. Everybody is just so microwave and in and out in today's generation that relationships don't mean anything. So I don't even know if people are getting to that higher level of intimacy anymore."
These statements are from Black women aged 39 to 61 years old. I interviewed twenty-two participants for my latest book, Thank You, Ma'am: The Truth About Love and Sex of Older Black Women. Most women interviewed openly and honestly discussed the lack of intimacy in their relationships. For some women, this was not only a current relationship but some relationships from the past.
Why do women desire intimacy? What does intimacy look like? What does it feel, taste, or sound like? Most importantly, how can intimacy be a priority in our day-to-day lives and our sexual lifestyles? I will answer these questions in the following sections, so keep reading!
I am sure my experience with intimacy varies like most people. I have had some partners who were intentional and excellent in delivering top-notch intimate treatment. Then, I have had a few who did not quite measure up in that department. For example, I have had partners wash my hair or paint my toenails. I have had partners give me full body massages or even write poetry. They truly spent time giving me satisfaction. Then, others have just done what Celie described in the movie The Color Purple, "He just climb on top of me and do his business." Sometimes, it is still a shock when an experienced adult man does not take the time to get in touch with the body of a woman. However, I understand every man may not have learned this is a vital part of sex and lovemaking, is impatient, may not find intimacy necessary, or does not care at that moment.
Dictionary.com gives a variety of definitions for intimacy. As a noun, intimacy is defined as 'the state of being intimate, a close familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group, an amorously familiar act; liberty, and sexual intercourse."
Even with a clear definition of intimacy, the dictionary's version sounds sterile, distant, and unfulfilling. The women I interviewed stated they see intimacy as being loving, connecting, and bonding on a deeper level, and intimacy does not always have to end as a sexual act.
During our interview, Tangie said, "You don't have to penetrate me to be intimate," when speaking of her common-law husband. Tangie was not the only woman who stated that when we talked. Many women feel this way.
During a book signing, I asked an icebreaker question, "What is intimacy to you," with every guest that came to my table. People could write their answers on a large index card and remain anonymous. Then, they could place the index cards in a plastic box I had on the table. A few of the written answers from the box are below.
"Intimacy is mental before it is physical. The touch seals and completes the intimacy. It is the creation of a sacred space."
"To me, intimacy is words. Knowing each other's love languages. Speaking them verbally and physically. It's not just about knowing the body, but also the mind."
"Intimacy means connection on an emotional and spiritual level. Being able to be. Vulnerable and feel safe in your innermost thoughts. Allowing your inner child to shine."
"Intimacy is a connective bond between two people. It surpasses physical touch or sex. It looks like a way of being seen, feels like being heard, and sounds like acceptance and fullness."
"Closeness, vulnerability, and reciprocity."
"Intimacy to me is silence that doesn't need filling. It's feeling me up and me saying not now but, no arguments come up. It's salt from the sweat because sometimes the sexiest moments aren't planned. Intimacy is a dark room that we share, moonlight or early rays coming in and our hips are the only thing that touches."
As you can see, intimacy varies from person to person, and what is fulfilling for one person may not be for another, or it is different. It is not that it is unfulfilling; it is unique to each individual. From some of these answers, intimacy is poetic, sensual, charged with positive energy, and satisfying to one's core.
I asked in the earlier part why women desire intimacy. With quality intimacy, a woman and her partner bond to the most profound and highest level. She feels heard, seen, and loved genuinely in that moment. In the book Thank You, Ma'am: The Truth About Love and Sex of Older Black Women, Meli K said, "If I have trust in you to be a man, then you're going to get me to move heaven, earth, and mountains." That can happen when the level of intimacy is high for a couple.
The look, feel, sound, taste, and touch of intimacy varies from person to person. It can be sitting in a tub of bubbles and scented oils with your partner, with candles lit and soft music playing in the background, neither of you speaking and being fully present in that beautiful moment. It can be sitting across from your partner, eye gazing, and telling each other how you appreciate them, how beautiful or handsome they are, and how you enjoy being in their presence. It can be gentle back rubs, slowly brushing through their hair, feeding them delicious foods, or burying your nose in the nape of their neck to smell your favorite scent, which may be their natural odor. It can be laying big spoon to little spoon in the darkness of the night or foot rubs in the middle of the day. And at the end of it all, there may not be sexual penetration. Your partner may want to be seen, touched, and loved without committing to the act of sex.
How do we get to love our partners intimately on a day-to-day basis?
First, know that there are at least ten forms of intimacy. I selected five of them for our review, and then you see which resonates most with you.
1. Physical/Sexual Intimacy – This is engaging in consensual physical activities. Physical intimacy can be cuddling, hugging, massages, hand-holding, sexual encounters, kissing, and more.
2. Emotional Intimacy – This is the ability to express your feelings, be vulnerable with your partner, and be understood and validated. This can include deep, meaningful conversations, sharing past traumas without judgment, sharing dreams and goals no one else may know about, and trusting your partner with emergencies that arise without situations being thrown back up in your face later.
3. Intellectual/Mental Intimacy – This is for all the sapiosexual folks! Sapiosexual is being attracted to a person's intelligence. I am sapiosexual, and this turns me ALL THE WAY ON! Intellectual intimacy is understanding one another's interests, hobbies, and philosophical thinking. Activities that fall under this category include reading and discussing books, a movie's plot, or a documentary's inner workings. It can be having mature debates, working on projects together, or sharing plans, projects, music, etc.
4. Experiential Intimacy – Experiential intimacy is when you enjoy engaging in leisure activities together. You are spending time doing something you both love and enjoy on an emotional, physical, or mental level. This can be cooking, creating, building something together, or trying something new, such as a new restaurant.
5. Spiritual Intimacy – Intimacy on this level is when you and your partner have a shared belief and are devoted to a specific or universal religion. These beliefs focus on a more set of values and ethics. Intimacy on this level allows for deeper connections around shared spiritual interests. Activities associated with spiritual intimacy can include reading passages together, engaging in meditation, attending spiritual services, or volunteering together.
Reviewing the above intimacies gives you ideas on connecting with your partner daily. Also, take time to explore the other five intimacies not mentioned here. A simple Google search can assist you.
Something important to keep in mind is being aware of what your partner desires and likes. Many people speak about the five love languages and know they make a difference, but few put them in play when dealing with their partners. The five love languages are affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service (my number one need), and receiving gifts. You and your partner can also take a quiz to learn your love languages.
There should be open and honest communication between you and your partner on your wants, desires, and needs. There should be intentional love and intimacy between you and your partner. Quality intimacy, regardless of your selection, is about fulfilling your and your partner's needs, building a healthy relationship, and strengthening your bond. Taking positive steps to interact with a more caring and open heart and mind for your partner will boost how you both love one another, which can lead to a better and improved sexual lifestyle.
Being conscious about intimacy with your partner teaches you patience, helps build your listening skills, and, in turn, improves your communication with your partner. Slow down. Try new things. Take your time. Get in tune with your partner, and get in touch with yourself. Intimacy plays a vital role in your relationship, and it is worth the time and effort to treat your partner and yourself to a better intimate lifestyle, which can lead to a healthier sexual lifestyle.
