Revealing the journey: Telling the truth of how sex was learned
How did you learn about sex?
It is a simple question, but the answers can be diverse, deeply personal, and complex. I asked that question twenty-two times to twenty-two unique older Black women for the book I wrote, Thank You, Ma’am: The Truth About Love and Sex of Older Black Women. Twenty-one women were scattered throughout the United States, and one, originally from the U.S., resided in the United Arab Emirates. Individually, we met by Zoom with their wide range of experiences, strong opinions and beliefs, and loving personalities. Some of the answers to the question were unsurprisingly predictable.
Besides their names, ages, residence, and relationship status, “How did you learn about sex?” was midway down the first page of the questionnaire each woman completed. They could choose from their parents, a class in school, friends, trauma, personal experience, or other as their options. Unfortunately, there were some of the ladies who learned about sex at a young and innocent age through sexual violation and molestation. Even though each question asked on the questionnaire caused me to think of my own experiences, the question of how I learned about sex made me delve deeper into my sexual background.
Well, if you are Black, female, and raised in an era where children were to be seen and not heard, and you were taught to “stay outta grown folk business,” probably having discussions about sex and your body was not brought up by anyone in your household. Many of us did not have a mother or a ‘Big Mama’ who was open about sex and how a young girl’s body would blossom with many changes, not just going into her teen years and young adulthood, but until we were at the bottom of the hill, in the middle of the hill and over the hill.
When I think back on my education in sex, it was more self-taught than having guidance or conversations with the adults in my life. I first learned about sex when I found my uncle’s pornography magazines in the back of his closet. I guess I was six or seven years old when I found myself sneaking into his room when he was out playing basketball or doing whatever teenage boys did in the 1970s on the South side of Chicago with their friends. I knew he had an old blue plastic train from when he was a little boy in his closet. As a child, he pushed a penny through a small slit on the train, and they were never able to get it out, so every time you shook it, the penny would rattle inside. He also had some old baseball cards in a box, a few pairs of worn shoes, his baseball bat, baseball glove, and a few other whatnots on the floor. Remember, this was the 1970s, and we lived in an area called ‘The Low End,’ so our apartment had no huge walk-in closets. That space was small and tight, and one day, in that semi-dark closet where just a bit of light from outside poured in, I discovered his nudie magazines.
Yes, I saw the photos of the naked bodies in his Playboy and Chocolate Tail magazines. Still the articles and fantasy letters always interested me more than the pictures, even as a kid. I was an excellent advanced reader, so that was easy for me. Growing up as an only child, my family did not allow me to say I was bored without writing or reading lessons they would make me sit down and do.
By the time I was ten or eleven, my mother subscribed to almost every published magazine. Jet, Ebony, Essence, Vogue, and Cosmopolitan were just a small number of magazines that arrived at our house monthly. I would flip through the magazines to read articles about keeping a man, how to be sexy, and other tips introduced as the new wave of dating techniques in the 1980s. My mother was a single parent who worked two or three jobs at a time, so I was constantly home alone.
All these magazine articles were adding layers to my curiosity about sex. Still, they were also telling me in much deeper detail what my mother and grandmother were never going to discuss with me. Articles that would pop up from time to time in different magazines written by various writers that stuck with me the most were about connecting to your vagina and keeping it healthy. They would say things like, “Take a handheld mirror or sit in front of a full-length mirror and exam what your vagina looks like.” Or “Look at the color, the shape, gently peel back the folds. Does it have a smell? How does it smell? Is there any wetness?”
It was all about being comfortable with something all women had but were afraid to talk about, touch, look at, or acknowledge it being there for more than just peeing and having a baby. I didn’t know it then, but those magazines were teaching me about body and sex positivity.
As I got into my teenage years, I remember going to the library and sitting among the shelves of books that talked about the mechanics and logistics of sex. I remember reading poems and short stories about the topic, filled with descriptive and colorful scenes that connected me to the characters and the moments they were in. These times were before the internet, social media, and easy access to porn videos, so the library was a primary source to gather knowledge.
Then, in my adult years, I began to have my experiences with different bodies and sex. I wanted to see more stories and poems about men and women that looked like me – Black! The stories I read in the past spoke of her milky white skin, his golden blonde hair, and eyes blue like a clear summer sky. I wanted to give Black love and Black sexuality a voice and space to be sensual, sexy, loved, and sex-positive. I created stories and poems filled with love, sexual connections, and pussy wetting, dick-throbbing acts that led me to the world of the erotic spoken word.
Becoming an erotic spoken word artist helped me to showcase my sexually charged and expressive words and works to an engaged audience. It created a space that allowed Black men and women to approach me after a show and release secrets, silent desires, and sexual confessions. These events taught me that the Black community needs more nonjudgmental spaces and people who allow us to speak openly and freely about our bodies, kinks, fetishes, sexual traumas, and other sexual experiences that make us who we are, which is normal. A significant part of why I do what I do is to create a safe space for the Black community to have mature and forward-moving conversations about our sexuality and our bodies.
Liberations from sexual taboos that were taught to our ancestors during slavery and passed down from generation to generation are a must. Those old wives’ tales, myths, and antiquated beliefs hold us back and stifle authentic love and good sex. Some of us have updated our cell phones and mobile accessories more than we have updated our sexual knowledge. What comes with the advancement of technology should also be the advancement of humans, our thinking, and our way of living. Sometimes, we are still in the same places as our grandparents and earlier relatives were during their day, where they lacked and were not allowed sexual freedom of expression.
Whether your sex education came from a trusted adult in your life or you had to learn about sex from a different source, you are now fully responsible for your sexual growth. We have access to the entire world through social media, the internet, and various resources online. From books and conferences to articles and visual learning, we can conquer our fears of sexual lack and gain the confidence to embrace our desires fully and joyfully.
How did you learn about sex? Was it experimental? Traumatic? Unmemorable? Unforgettable? Did you learn in a safe environment? Did you learn in a sex education class or at home? Or did you learn about sex on your own as you grew into adulthood?
It is never too late to learn any topic, and sex is not excluded. Take time today to ask yourself how you can learn new ways to be more adventuresome, open, and willing to have mature discussions about your desires and fulfill your needs. If you are in a partnership, ask your mate for their thoughts. Ask how you can both be more in tune with one another. Remember, you must know your wants and needs before trying to learn and satisfy someone else’s sexual needs. Do not pigeonhole yourself into a mediocre sex life due to a lack of knowledge and personal growth. Always remember, good sex is your birthright! That should be your mantra because you deserve it!
